Lately, I have found myself unlearning and relearning everything about being a woman. Having been groomed to be nice, kind, and responsive to all situations with a smile, tolerant, and to “be the bigger person”, new knowledge suggests there is more to being a woman, especially for young ones like myself.
While I am utterly grateful for the virtues of kindness learnt over the course of life, I have realized there is a thin line between character building and the restrictive way women are often conditioned.
There is a persistent narrative, a “myth of silence”, that suggests a woman who is quiet, who tolerates everything, and who refuses to stand up for herself or others is the “good” woman. Conversely, the woman who knows her worth, identifies wrongs, and refuses to stay silent is labeled “bad” or “difficult.”
Many cultures across the globe have deemed it normal for women to be silent spectators: unproblematic, quiet, and devoid of independent values. But what does “unproblematic” actually mean in this context? Too often, it refers to a woman who remains silent in the face of injustice, one who endures whatever is thrown at her without a word of complaint.
On the flip side, a “problematic” woman is simply one who refuses to tolerate disrespect. She is the woman who sees a wrong and calls it out; the woman who speaks the truth regardless of who she might offend. We must confront the fact that this pressure to stay silent stems from societal expectations, not necessarily religious teachings.
As a Muslim woman from the Northern Nigeria, a region that prides itself on religiousity, I have seen this play out more times than fingers could count. A woman is expected to undergo so much and wear a mask of contentment just to be loved by everyone else even if it means she stops loving herself.
If a husband is abusive, she is told to endure. And we must ask: who taught these men that abuse is acceptable? If her in-laws treat her poorly, she is expected to stay calm and patient until they “magically” change. If she shares her opinions or strives for self-improvement, she is suddenly seen as having “gone wild” or having too much knowledge.
Taking a microscopic look reveals that this is certainly why a plathora of women struggle to find themselves. They have spent so long pretending to blend in, trying to be “chosen,” and performing to fit a mold that they have forgotten who they actually are.
The truth is, there is beauty in simply being yourself. As long as you respect your boundaries and act within the framework of your faith and the law, it is okay to exist as a whole person. Since society demands “perfection” or silence, many women have perfected the art of pretense just to maintain the appearance of being “good.”
However, I recently watched a video where someone said, “The world doesn’t profit from women who are at peace; it profits from women who are constantly trying to be something else.” That resonated deeply with me. There is so much pressure on women to be more successful, prettier, or bolder. This pressure has turned life into a competition for visibility; women want to be seen, liked, and admired so badly that they lose their way.
Most women are no longer just living; they are performing. They are performing confidence, independence, and identity because the world rewards the show. A woman who is still searching for herself is easier to influence, easier to sell to, and easier to control. So, the societal noise gets louder, fueling more comparison and more pressure.
In this scramble to be “seen,” many are quietly losing their spirituality. Again, this is not what Islam teaches. Women, like all human beings, should be allowed to live, to be included, and to breathe. Throughout Islamic history, women have actively participated in social, political, and economic life. They were never meant to be silent followers, multiple examples abound.
A Muslim woman’s voice, when guided by faith, wisdom, and character, is not a threat to anyone. It is a strength and when tapped in, the world could be a better place.
Rabi Ummi Umar is a corps member in Abuja. She can be reached via [email protected].
Best regards,rabbs💗
